Bad Move Peace

So I know it's been a while since my last post. But there is a reason for that. I've been conducting my social experiment. The premise was this, find a female ninja and attempt to use my manly charms to see if there was any possible love connection/possibility for peace. It took me an incredibly long time to find one and even longer to actually ask her out for dinner. I learned some very important lessons. 1. Ninjas are very elusive and almost impossible to see. On our date she was moving so fast that I couldn't see her at all. Do you have any idea how awkward it is to be talking to someone who is invisible? You look like one of those crazy hobos who pee in peoples trash cans and talk about alien abductions, almost as bad as people who wear those ear mics for cellphones. 2. Ninjas are very cheap. She left the whole bill to me, and afterwards there was no good night or anything, she just left without saying a word. AND she's invisible so I can't tell when she left. 3. Ninjas don't like to return calls. She doesn't answer her cell.... (stares off into space for 5 minutes) Well so much for peace. I've given it my best shot, but looks like peace isn't the answer. Time to bring the fight to those really 'peace' loving zombie neighbors of mine. So Peace, I'm just letting you know that you've made a new enemy this day. Bad move Peace, Bad move.

P.S. Still looking for a good nemisis and a good love interest. And by good nemesis I mean a bad one. And by bad I mean evil.

Everyone is Different

Today, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Not to mean I haven't done my fair share of beating and slashing at the diminishing number of pedestrians walking by my house, but I've been doing more thinking and slightly less of the slashing and bashing. I've been thinking on the differences between ninja and samurai. At first they seem obvious, samurai are awesome and honor-bound and ninja are all devious and evil. End of story. But then I started thinking that maybe there is a way for both of us to coexist, with a system of tolerance, give and take policies, policies that don't end in someone losing a limb! What a wonderful, messed up world that would be!

I'm going to try a social experiment soon, stay tuned.

Super cats

So yesterday I went on a journey of meditation to hone my samurai skills. I went to a nearby wood and stripped into the nude. Not really, but it sounds better if I was meditating in the flesh. Anyway, After meditating for a few hours with Coldplay softly performing in the background, I heard a soft growling from a near by bush and going nearer to investigate, I was pounced on by a cougar. Not just ANY cougar, no, that's not the samurai way, it was TWO cougars... joined at the hip. I was attacked by a legendary Siamese Cougar. I began to scream like a little girl and flailing around as they bit at me mercilessly. I was flailing gracefully of course. Using my honed skills to scream as loud as I could. I somehow succeeded in throwing the beast off of me and ran up the nearest tree like lightning. Which is where I am now. Keeping very still. Because there is a bear sitting right next to me and we all know that those are more dangerous than any terrorists.... If I survive, I will post again. If not, my samurai spirit will spend the rest of eternity kicking the snot out of bears and super cats.

Love Interest?

So I found my Nemesis today, hopefully video evidence will follow soon. I was cleaning up after my dog took a poo on my neighbor's lawn, when all f a sudden this ninja came out of nowhere. He started rapping at me. You've heard of 'killer beats' before, but nothing like these babies. My heart nearly stopped. If I hadn't had my iPod and some quick wits, I might have succumbed. As it was I quickly turned on the soundtrack to 'The Last Samurai" and survived. He then proceeded to run around like a moronic lunatic and jump into a bush. Which he promptly jumped out of because it was a bramble thorn bush. Not sure what his name is, but I think that it is safe to assume that he is my nemesis. So this is great! Now I just need to find a love interest. Although I'm not sure how likely that is going to be. Since most of the reactions I get from women at the mention of my 'sword' are either sexual advances that are totally inappropriate or complete repulsion. Well We will see how things work out. Until next time, stay frost and keep away from those frost giants!

A Funny Thing Happened today on My Way to the Dojo

I got there and found out that it was a sweatshop. literaly. They sold sweat. by the gallon. So I decided that I'd just continue my training by the best teacher I ever had: myself. This idea was promptly shot down when I remembered the polevaulting incident. So I went back home to watch a movie. I watched the movie Alien and decided to go and find one to kill it and get like + a billion experience from it. So I went out to find one. 10 hours later I'm here writing my blog because after 7 and a half hours of not finding an alien, I was hungry so I went into a diner to eat. As I was eating my mandatory pb&j, the man next to me started grabbing his stomach and groaning. Excited I told him I was trained for this sort of thing, had him lay down and then proceeded to beat him in the stomach to kill whatever extraterrestrial was trying to jump out of his stomach. When the cops finally released me I decided to come home and write about it. It's been a long day.

Enter the Samurai

First, I know that I spelled Suburban wrong. I did it on purpose because the proper spelling was already taken. Now that's out of the way, hello, I am the Suburban Samurai. The other day I was on a walk and I found a wooden samurai sword laying on the ground. Pretty nice one too. I picked it up and ever since I've been having this gut feeling that I should become a samurai. So that's what I did. I am currently searching for a nemesis and look forward to posting a video of my exploits soon-ish. Well I'm off to increase my skills by hitting random people/animals/things with my beating stick.... I mean samurai sword.




Until my exploits are done being 'documented,' here is an introduction to me.